This keeps you up to date on the latest activities of the NVGIB. But don't bother reading it, as we never do anything much. If there are no recent changes you can safely assume that they are standing very very still, or perhaps moving backwards slightly. No sideways movement though. That doesn't happen. Not even as a lateral component of a vector that takes us essentially forwards or backwards.
More and more songs are available for MP3 download at Soundclick (for it's Dingus Time) 
and Download.com (for Peru). I've added the track number to the song title so that avid fans can arrange them in a logical order. I'd suggest the Fibonacci sequence, or else try dividing your age into the number of shoes you have, then add milk. Go to the Links page, then go from there to the external sites. It's fun, try it.
A new project of Mr Lemur's takes a leak into the public pool. Fils d'un Ami de Bertram are a collection of tunes or an ambient/dancy/industrial style that really need to have an airing. A lot of these, almost made to be NVGIB tunes, but were not actually bad enough, or simply had no lyrics. I've tried to make them as listenable as I can, but Bertramina won't let me do it...ahhh!!! For more info, tunes and fun, check out Fils d'un Ami de Bertram at Download.com
News abounds of rumblings on the Magma Trumpet front. Mssrs Lemur and Mongoose will keep tabs on it, but it may well be an entirely new and unadulteratedly funny entity. As soon as it bears fruit we will let you know. As we are all fruits of one sort or another
If you like shredding, and you like guitar. Check out Mr Lemurs transcription of Paganini's 5th caprice on the sounds page, the beginning bit (that no-one else usually bothers with). Lots of wicked arpeggios and and fast runs there. That's guitar runs, not the squits, you nonny-head.
Thanks for the votes, we rated above some actually proper music! Wow!
Now we have more sampler MP3s from previous albums on the Sounds page, PLUS a sneak preview of the 4th Album - Dancing Monkeys! Demo with lyrics.
On 7th December, the band laid down the vocals for Dancing Monkeys, the first track off NVGIB4 and boy there was a commotion. Full contact wrestling and ballroom dancing combined? You bet!
There is info on how the band get their monster monster not very good interval sound.
We now have a (relatively small) listing on CNET's Music Download site in the comedy section. It will be a new dark portal into the world of the band, leading back, well, here actually for those that seek more....and we link back there.... so really it's a kind of Moebius strip for those that love noddy science. There will of course be stuff that isn't provided here though so it'll be worth a punt. Come on Moebius! Hurry hurry and bring your friends.
I have now begun the gradual uploading of our back-catalogue in MP3 format, at the beginning of Bendysisterasparagushead. Track by track it will build up into a pretty picture of life in the countryside with mad-eyed sheep, hot curry and drink.
Finally for the year. I have found out that a Comedy American Radio station The Pab Sungenis Project on Low Budget Radio (it just sounds Sooo like us) has listed one of our tracks in their annual vote of comedy sketches/songs. They have free podcasts of the shows in MP3 format to download in the archives section, so check it out..
OK, if you're hot on your sums and can do 2005 minus 2001, it has been a bit of a long gap/absence, but I really can't go into details. Suffice to say we were wrongly convicted, again! But we are now on the straight and narrow path to a new album, provisionally titled The Difficult Fourth Album.
You see, even the title is hard to get right.
What follows is official. 100% bona fide. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. The low-down, the down-and-out, the down-amongst-the-dogs, the view of the kid with arms for legs and his head where the postman should be. It cannot be contested, and even if it could it would come first, leaving the other versions of events in the changing rooms giggling at each other's chancres. If you want fact you've come to the right place. For fibs, look elsewhere.
Mr. Satsuma recently announced to the band that he regrettably needed to go on sabbatical. He has done sterling MIDI triggering and much much more in all aspects of the band for many thousands of years, since he was created out of onion rind and orange peel for percussion needs. Our fondest wishes go to him and everyone who knows him (including, by inference, ourselves, which is nice in a cosy sort of reciprocal way).
"Everything is in old money" "That's two pound 55 in old money", "what is it in new money?" "I don't know, we're still using the old money", "Aha. New money is a lot cheaper, If I give you the 55 pence, that should cover it", "You are kind, mister". I love talking to myself don't you? Are you listening to me?
Last Tuesday, the band got shrunk to the size of a molecule and went inside the Nuttar's pet cat on scooters to stop it writing songs about cat sh*t. We might try the same thing with Magma Trumpet if necessary. Come to mention it, a lot of their tunes sound like blatant f*ck*ng cover versions. Hmm.
On Tuesday, the band were repeatedly set upon by some cannibals who claimed to eat musicians. In one confrontation, the band went to extraordinary lengths (sometimes as far as 100 meters) to deny their musicianship and avoid being eaten. This is despite the fact that when caught, they were carrying instruments, having a conversation about music, were all in a musical studio, and each had a tattoo on their left hip saying 'Best before March 2002'. Then, after forcing the band to play a tune, the cannibals admitted their mistake and went on their way.
The Band are currently knee-deep in brake fluid following a bust-up with Magma Trumpet. Legal action may ensue because the band have rightly spotted that several of Magma Trumpets songs have the same titles, lyrics and music. The fact that they are performed using electromagnetic radiation rather than sound is superfluous. No matter how you dress it up, its still naked plagiarism.
They've also been dirtying the guest book I notice, with their dirty dirty-talk and mucky-mouthed trumpetings.
However, there are rumours that Magma Trumpet is nothing more than Mssrs Lemur and Mongoose titting about, which makes the legal action even more childish.
Mr Satsuma dusted off his digital glam lobster image by getting off with no less than two fit twins at a nightclub. But it took us an hour to discover that it was just one fit twin that he met near a mirror. Even after it was revealed and explained, it still took till the end of the night for him to stop asking things like, "so where is the other twin then?". It would be excusable if he hadn't done a similar thing 256 years ago with a mirror and a painting of a fit chick on the wall, and the week before that with a fag machine and an unexplained power surge. Some people never learn.
The band have been auditioning for a new member this month. They've felt the need for an extra guitarist so they can perform power ballads, use power tools and have a twin-guitar driven classic seafaring line-up like Iron Maiden and Brother Beyond.
They've all been for a spandex fitting - Mr Mongoose particularly wants special 'denim' spandex, with pockets, leg holes and Levi's on the label.
Top of the list at the moment is a musical genius......... but with one flaw. He is made of a substance so volatile, he can only be used in very short bursts before, uh oh, he's evaporated. Then, he starts playing bum notes. They call him 'The Gas', after his musical hero, Helium, the influential trumpeter who died recently in Belgium.
Mr Lemur has been working on a way to prolong his solos using a high pressure liquid nitrogen condensing chamber. So far, with just simple chords and no fast key changes the chances of a new album are looking good.
As you may have noticed, a musical plague has been sweeping the nation, affecting mostly attractive ladies between the ages of 18 and 30. The afflicted female will beep, make loud riffs, drum breaks and huge subsonic booms. It's usually fatal within a few hours if left untreated. If you get them to a recording studio, with expert mixing and post-production, they usually survive but their musical preferences are hideously deformed. Of course, you can always burn them and dump the bodies in a big pit, but it makes quite a mess.
Science expert Mr Lemur was called up by the government as a subject matter expert on musical diseases, to the tune of £1 million plus hair coupons. As a result, the band also had to cancel quite a big charity gig on Southend seafront, by the playpark, on the left, near the blue wheely bin - reluctantly, of course.
In the last month, the new Dandy Trumps (TM) 'Pop Groups' card game pack was released and the NVGIB were upset to receive such poor scores. Low ratings for 'Number of drummers made of Pork Fat', 'Highest chart position with a song about Xylitol' and an Engine Capacity of only 1200cc left them feeling like a cat that has just been shaved.
Mr Satsuma first noticed in his subscription to 'Dandy Trumps and Biffer magazine' (for the man about town), so he knows the latest info about Trumps.
Headline news of course was that Dandy Trumps with the 'Frogs and Bats' pack is now the national sport of Ipswich. Also, on page 5, there were pictures as Patsy Palmer is now ranked as a premiership quality Biffer. Luckily, this month saw Isobel Lang relegated to the 'Jammy biscuit boxed set Biffer league', as Mr Lemur has a weather appointment with her next week to get his wind fixed.
Following on from the very secret meeting held this weekend, Mr Satsuma is unreachable, Mr Mongoose is unimaginable, and Mr Lemur's balls have dropped.
It was decided to follow the path of least resistance and run down the middle of the street. Previously we had been running into walls. There should be a new album in the pipe (555) possibly by the end of the summer. With some tunes and an adventure too. The boys of summer will be assisting, but not Don Henley because he is still on the bog.
Blimey, that sure was a difficult to peel potato. Lucky I started some 5 months in advance. Still, It keeps other jealous carbohydrate-products away, for example yams.
The band, like some home-spun MANDELSON (Peter), are soon to get it on (bang a gong) get it on, to discuss their next project. Possible topics for the project are:
Any suggestions will be most welcome as we have b*gger-all in the way of creative talent.
Also, you may have noticed the sad, but welcome demise of the frames on the site. We could no longer no longer afford the extortionate veterinary bills. That's £5 a pop in old money matey. Still, I hope that 'Vets in Practice' couple have a long and happy married life on the proceeds........
I'm sure I was meant to do something today.
Back on jury service again, hence the delay in combing my hair. This time we had some major convictions that would do you proud. Here's the stats:
MP3.com now has many many many bad songs up there. It also has many band songs and they overlap. I could draw a Venn diagram at this point, but I don't know what they look like. Migrating Bison? Are you calling me a liar? All right, I am.
There's also some pics from this years indoor festival at Newnham Old Labs in, guess where, Cambridge. They're rather large so get yourself insured.
Five songs from Peru now available at www.mp3.com/NVGIB. There, you can get hold of the following:
In the next couple of weeks we're going to start putting up songs from Dingus Time and BendySister too.
The band have gone MP3 ballistic! mp3.com have unwittingly let us onto their site, where we can be found at www.mp3.com/NVGIB. There currently have Meaty Stick and soon should have The Ballad of Mr Shit. The audio quality is slightly better than that found here (they made us do it, we didn't want to), and we may eventually have all our MP3's on that site to conserve server space and the environment.
Plans are being hatched for the next band venture, provisionally titled NVGIB 4. This may be in a similar form to Peru, but with two shorter stories (each with 4-5 songs) plus an introduction to the band mythos by Lindsay. We are hoping it will backfire and make us marketable, or else make us incinerated.
Time will tell, unless we tell you first......
On the Sounds page can now be found 4 tracks MP3'd from the new album Peru ! If you haven't bought a copy, you can sample our wares. Wash your hands and lady-bits first though.
Also, if you have a WAP phone, despite being an over-paid corporate maggot, you might like to check out www.mrlemur.freeserve.co.uk/index.wml . Don't try it on a PC, obviously, because as well as failing to do anything really, it will also not work. If you WAP into us, do let us know if it works or not, as I will be pleased to know either way (as long as it works).
Pip Pip
Well, a bit of a site facelift all round I think. Considering the band has been around since before the Big Bang, it's about time. In the tense moments since the release of Peru, many copies have been sold, and none yet returned, which is no surprise as we can all run very fast and wear earplugs often.
There's a Band Shop featuring the new album, the old albums (limited availablility of those though), and of course, the inbetween albums (neither old, nor new, but covered in a thin film of something).
Dr Pippin's advice page is now being run by Mr Mushroom. Although he is not in the band, we had to give him something to do. It's more of a work-experience placement to prepare him for the real world.
Not ones to shirk responsibility, as well as planning the next album already (which will built upon the tried and tested theme of a collection of musical segments interpersed with silence, and a tried and tested formula for babies milk) the band have also been doing jury service. Here's a few people we have helped to convict in the last month:
OK, look out for more updates soon, and don't forget to order some BAND MERCHANDISE, otherwise you won't grow a beard when you're older. Bing.
Finally the day is here. The long awaited hour hand has holed into view to herald the moment. The tension built all day until finally, everything was ready. Yes Euro 2000 has started. Meanwhile forty of the country's most educated people locked themselves into a sweat box without alcohol, to watch three dillons arse about for an hour and then give them money for a product of highly dubious value.
So business as normal at the Peru: Spoonraker launch event at Newnham old labs in Cambridge. Mr Satsuma blew up, Mr Lemur's arm melted and Mr Mongoose grew a third nipple for the event. The final total of fatalities was twenty nine, which everyone was quite satisfied with. In between the old songs was a smattering of material from the latest release. The opera singers made quite an impression on "The Ballad Of Mr Shit" and lighting boy Ben showed quite capably by himself why the stew is so mystic.
Aside from that, Mr Lemur married Abby, and mated with her behind some curtains. The man who calls himself Jon Jarrett demonstrated how he makes friends by turning the lights out, potatoes were exhibited to all comers and someone confessed to washing in Persil.
Plenty of CD Singles and Albums were plied into unsuspecting hands. The band sincerely hope they are all now in use as table coasters. Playing them on a CD player will cause them to implode, much like the current state of Mr Lemur's computer. Mail your comments on the album direct to him, or sign the guest book.
The new album can only be described as an epic waste of time. The plot line stretches over tweleve thousand years and God is among the supporting cast. The death of Mr Wombat is explained and Mr Lemur treads in some cowpat.
If you weren't there and would love to get hold of an album, please e-mail Mr Lemur right away and he will reply with full details. You won't regret it. Well actually you will. Rumours that another album and gig are planned for the same time next year have just been made up by me, now, on the spot.
"I've never heard twenty nine tracks so full of absolute rubbish before." Melvyn Bragg.
"Apart from Erasure's third and fourth albums that is." Melvyn Bragg Jnr
After a protracted labour, the band cow is about to deliver the highly awaited neonate that will be the band newborn cow-baby. We have been developing this for over 6 years. Mr lemur's mammal inventing has finally come to fruition. We hope that cow-babies will catch on, although it will not be touring with us. Our own one will be kept in a shopping trolley. We will hold a short competition regarding the future naming of the cow-child which will be christened "The band cow-baby" regardless.
Credit must also go to the band cow herself, as she was not expecting this at all.
If you are interested in cows, would like to know more about them, or would like to make one of your own, there are relevant links in the relevant cow links section of www.cowlinks.com.
Also, we've got a new album out, called Peru, about 10th June. So GET BONED.
Test your wits with Band Quiz 2 in the play area, then go to the pictures page and look at some top jazz. Mr Sat' in the nuddie, wearing only his clothes and a MIDI-linked brick. Hmmm. Then sit down and have a well earned break with a slice of oatbread and a freshly squeezed mango. That isn't on the site, you'll have to provide that yourself, sorry.
Hmmm, new music. I won't tell you where. You'll just have to hunt for it. "The duck song"? "Devious Dad"?Perhaps. Do those MIDI files sound better than before? Perhaps not. Call out, shout hoopla to the music. It will come to you. No, go to the sounds page first you wally, then do the hoopla thing.
Oooh, and a guest book. I wonder who will come round to play? Go to the bottom of any page, then ask the Man in Bandages for directions.
Well, I'd be lying if I said that Peru wasn't going to be fantastic. That's Peru the country, not "Peru" the album. The latter will of course be our usual brand of complete b*ll*cks. However, having witnessed the recording and even taken part in it I can safely say that it is an album. Meteorogical estimates by Isobel Lang and her doo-wop combo suggest that 100% of the music has now been recorded, as have about 50% of the inbetween bits. One more good hard session should crack it like a coconut. A preliminary release date 14th Cabbage has been put forward, then retracted pending a more realistic date to be announced shortly before its release in April/May this year. The big sticky wicket shall be the post-production which is neccessary to achieve that special "Through a wet sock" sound that many of our earlier albums have.
Things that I aim to do here this month are:
As promised, some new pics including an old tour programme and a new MP3, "Lunar Lander Panda" this time. Shall be away for 2 weeks now, or else the following items will not happen.
Of which item 1 is the most important.
Well, we haven't blown up, despite the raw hydrogen we've been inhaling for months now. Happy millenial stuff to you all, even though you all know its not really till next year, and the dates were all mixed up anyway cos JC dropped his sundial when the Romans came round to razz.
We have some new music for you ("You are an *rse") and a bit of band quiz too on the playtime page. I think I'll stop linking every new thing here directly cos its a real pain and if you've got this far, you must know what's what.
There should be some more pictures and tunes appearing here in the next couple of weeks or so. After that its off to a secret location to continue recording the box of worms that is PERU.
Also, thanks to those that have been asking about merchandise, in particular albums and music stuff. We have been very lax on that note of late, and I do apologise. We hope to sort out some kind of system soon involving underground piping. We are working on it.
Delve in the hairy honey pot that is Max Triffid. Alternatively, just go to the Biography page and read about him. Also, swot up on the band welder, and press your friends' faces into the clay soil nearby.
Following a chance meeting at a recording studio somewhere in England, UK, the band record the first tracks for the stereotypically difficult 756th album "Peru". Also, there are some new Lyrics, an MP3 version of "Lovey lovey bonsai" and some pictures if you like that sort of thing.
Peru is starting to take shape. I think it looks like a rabbit hunting for grubs. Lindsay Lindsay and Mr Lemur have their biographical details drawn out into a fine dough mixture. The band sheep you may notice gets internally examined. It was always on the cards.
Dr Pippin's advice box should work better now, so hurry along and sort out your personal life.
Hey, you can now read about Hank, Eric and Mr Satsuma himself on the Biography page. Go on, do it now. There's also new music to be had.
The band meet in an anonymous town to discuss plans for the Peru album. Release time set for Easter 2000 with possible gig in Cambridge to celebrate. There should be a limited edition CD release with bonus tracks. Then we went and played on the trains down the road.
This news page first done. Plan to back-date it gradually over time to account for the majority of band activities in the last few years.
Top gig at Cambridge. Mr Satsuma got some band beans on his jump-suit.
Disappointing gig. No chicks or beers. Very loud music all night from the man upstairs.
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