Biography

Where did they come from? Where are they going? What means of transport do they employ to facilitate this manouvering? And who's clinical negligence allowed them to exist in the first place? Read on and be disappointed as we avoid these questions and deny all responsability.

The information here is being added to all the time, as some of these people are not even known to science. Pictures may one day be available, even noises. But don't hold your breath, as you will probably die.

History of The NVGIB

The following facts are taken and changed from a documentary first broadcast on BBC Radio Huddersfield sometime in 1994. I can't remember the exact date - I'm not sure it had one. This should probably be narrated by Lindsay Lindsay Bbszczszpka, band narrator. Just imagine a ponce with a lisp and you'll get the picture.

Inception

The original members of the band, Mssrs. Mongoose, Lemur and Wombat first met up billions of years ago at a free outdoor gig in space. They had heard that there was a bit of a thing going down and turned up in the hope of getting free beer and some chicks. This was not going to happen however, as the crux of the event was a big firework show and the boys found it almost impossible to pull.

They did discover that they all had a similar musical background, all being tone deaf. The band was formed.

The early years

These formative times involved a lot of scrabbling around. There was some sporadic in-fighting, a bit of out-fighting and some air-to-air dogfighting, but there is very little evidence to back this up.

This period in the band history is often referred to as the "don't know" period. It dates from the start of the Universe to approximately 1000 BC.

The middle bit

It is not known if the band were always bad musicians. It is possible that they did once know how to play, but that after several million years of not practicing they just forgot.

Most existing documents referring to band activities date from the last 3000 years. Quite a lot happened here. It is often referred to as the "Quite a lot happened here" period. Far too much to go on about really. I do have a life you know.

It is worth mentioning here that the band's two most successful albums, "BendySisterAsparagusHead" and "It's Dingus Time" were released during this period.

Nowadays

The band have an established place in the backwaters of modern music. After several flops and just as many comebacks, it is unlikely that we will ever be able to fully get rid of them.

Since the release of the new album Peru in June, my mother has asked me not to be involved with them anymore, but to be honest I need the money.

The Future

With the band produce now online, Peru on the streets and the threat of even ANOTHER album in development, I think I'm going to have to visit my phlebotomist.

Band members, associates and spongers

There are many people who have been, tried to be or tried not to be associated with the band. Here is a small selection. The sands of fate are constantly blowing along more such dillons, so the list is sure to grow. Unless it starts shrinking of course.

Mr Lemur (guitar, 'box' and vocals)

Mr Lemur, an original member of the band, has always strived to veer away from the heavy mantle of 'original artiste'. Maybe this is due to the snuff movies he appeared in as a youngster. He prefers to rely solely on plagiarism now and often takes whole songs off the back of cereal packets.

He is no stranger to the electric guitar, having been glued to one for 7 years once. It was during this time that he may have learned to play. However, his skills are nominal and at gigs he is often the first thing to go wrong. In such cases, it is customary to shout "Mr Lemur, you really are quite inadequate".

Always at the centre of new technology, he likes to spend months in the lab inventing new types of mammal, only to find that they have already been done.

His surname may be pronounced like 'Demure', like 'Cleaner' or rarely as in 'Climber' or 'hill-walker'. His first name is unpronounceable.

Mr Lemur is forever traumatised by an incident with some ripe bacon that got left in the pocket of his favourite performing jacket. The offending article, having been left for 3 months, stank like a piece of 3 month old bacon, contained a family of maggots and the jacket was bent. A commemorative song "Maggot Holiday" was never written for precisely the same reason.

Mr Mongoose (vocals and margarine tubs)

No information yet.

Mr Mongoose refuses to write a biography for the internet because he has a distrust for computers, ever since he realised that there was no trailer in Lunar Jetman, despite screenshots of it appearing in Crash magazine.

Mr Satsuma (vocals and the 'MIDI brick' - lead, bass and rhythm)

In 1966, to celebrate the three hundredth anniversary of the Great Fire Of London, the band decided to add a percussionist. To this end they designed, (or more properly Mr Wombat conceived, designed and built Mr Satsuma over breakfast one morning), Mr Satsuma. A robot constructed from onion rind and orange peel, he is fully Midi compatible and plays a Trace Elliot electric brick. Listen carefully to the live recording of Mole On Your Face on Bendysisterasparagushead, and you will hear the famous "wood on brick" solo. As Mr Lemur remarks "He can play the brick like a dog on heat, and doesn't moan about it".

Apart from his documented fear of Austin Allegros and his penchant for the craft of pestle and mortar, it is a little known fact that Mr Satsuma is often transported around on tour in a lead lined casket, so he can be taken in and out of shops without setting the security alarms off.

Mr Satsuma loves movies. His favourite bit in the movie Tron is when the man gets sucked into a computer. He hopes one day to witness this in real life.

Mr Wombat (currently unavailable)

An original member, Mr Wombat is a vampire, and also the creator of Mr Satsuma. He is also dead, properly dead, not coming back as vampires do. Thats dead, dead, dead, with no chance of a comeback when they become really famous.

His death was sudden, violent, probably extremely painful, and therefore a delight to behold. The manner of his death, and the obligatory band tribute money spinning single will feature on the forthcoming album Peru.

Mr Mushroom (is not in the band)

His lack of musical ability might seem to make him an ideal candidate for band membership. Indeed he has constantly harrassed the band, desperate to join the line up. However, Mr Mushroom does suffer from an unfortunate combination of Alzheimers and leprosy. Not only do his limbs fall off, but he forgets where he put them. Fearing gigs could come to resemble an amputees bring and buy sale, the NVGIB sought and won an injuction in the high court preventing him from ever becoming a full member. He does stalk us occassionally, with a nasty leer.

Mr Mushroom is never allowed to make a noise in the recording studio. This is because he is not in the band at all and never has been. Do you get it? He is NOT IN THE BAND. NOT NOT NOT!!

Hence the Mushroom Rule:

Mushroom + Not = Band2 x 10Interval
       Very Good

He could never join anyway because he breathes through his ears and headphones would kill him. Combined with the fact that he is NOT IN THE F*CK*NG BAND.

  • Mr Mushroom's favourite disease: Crohn's disease, because of the possibility of a good fistula. Or anything scabby.
  • Mr Mushroom's favourite quote: "Can I join your band?".
  • Our favourite reply: "No".
  • Mr Mushroom's favourite place to f*ck: Off (it's near Tewkesbury).

    Mandy (our manager)

    All information on the subject of our management is now classified, thanks to the incident in Brazil. See Peru for details

    Dr Pippin (the arch-enemy)

    He's totally nefarious, and will stop at nothing in his quest for world domination. Nothing at all. We're scared momma

    Mr Bennettttt (Dr Pippin's henchman)

    Yes. He is that Mr Bennettttt. Only made over for the dawn of a new century. Easily defeated by giving him a sticker

    Linsay Linsay Bbszsczsczpka (LLBZ, band narrator)

    His achievements speak for themselves.

    • 1930 Born by osmosis.
    • 1944 Suffers direct hit by V2 rocket in South London.
    • 1954 -1956 Apprentice tea making boy at the BBC Light Programme. Sacked after spilling tea on Wilfred Pickles's crotch
    • 1956% - 1960 Trainee razor blade sharpener at Barnsley Hospital Radio. Sacked after accidentally slashing breakfast show presenters wrists, causing him to bleed to death on air.
    • 1960 - 1965 Junior sound effects provider, Round The Horne. BBC Radio. Sacked after 'Sound effect of man hacking off own left arm, and grinding it into face of Kenneth Williams,' deemed "Too Realistic". LLZB used his own arm for the effect.
    • 1965 - 1970 Can't be bothered.
    • 1970 - 1969 Discovers the secret of time reversal in a magazine.
    • 1969 - 1970 Loses the secret to a neonate in a game of extreme marbles.
    • $1970 - 1980 Wilderness years.
    • 1980 - 1982 Plays 'Adric' in TV's Doctor Who.
    • 1992 - 1992.7 Second cart machine on the left in Bruno Brookes early morning show studio.
    • MAY 1993 Wins Madonna's pointy bra, in 'Thirty One Days In May' competition, on Radio One.
    • JAN 1994 Appointed as official band narrator, after being discovered in Huddersfield, whimpering outside the studios of the local BBC station asking to be thrown a scrap of pocket bacon.
    • FEB 1994 Sacked by the band for recording an unauthorised documentary. Legal proceedings started by the band.
    • MAR 1994 Original transmission of NVGIB "Rocumentary" on BBC Radio Huddersfield. The station transmitted this in error. It was sent into the building labelled "Tape Of Queen Mother Farts in Bath".
    • MAR 1994 BBC Radio Huddersfield receives record number of complaints. Station Manager sacked. Station go on record as saying they wish they had transmitted sounds of Queen Mother farting in the bath instead
    • APR 1994 LLBZ appointed as station manager, BBC radio Huddersfield after beating off competition from a tapeworm, three chipmunks with a banana, and Sir John Birt
    • AUG 1994 Second broadcast of Band rocumentary. Band legal action completed during the programme. LLBZ internal organs are removed, because he can't pay the damages. Incredibly, manages to regrow his own spleen in yoghurt, although it wasn't the most useful organ he could have chosen.
    • SEPT 1994 Using his capacity as Station Manager of BBC Radio Huddersfield LLZB wages a spying vendetta against NVGIB in revenge. Even though they don't want him to, he constantly narrates their lives. To the point where he lives with them. Followed them round PERU rather irritatingly, and is apparently considering releasing the story of the band's adventures...

    Max Triffid (band gardener)

    For many Max Triffid is (or should I say was, for he is now quite deceased) the man who really made the Not Very Good Interval Bands garden what it is. A weed filled open top cess pit. The original idea had been to copy the Blue Peter sunken garden. Sadly it was sunk too far. Max put a pickaxe through a main sewer, and a ton of human faeces began to fill the hole. The pond expanded to fill an acre. An acre that smelt like underpants your Grandmother hasn't changed for a year. Later the BBC were able to film several episodes of Dr Who there, including, Creature From The Pit, Logopolis (the entire regeneration sequence is set around the NVGIB's garden) and also the lamented and banned, Romana Does Shit.

    The Band were away on tour from 1974 until 1995. When they finally came home and saw the disgrace their once proud cucumber patch had become, they were so enraged, they held Max's head under the poo until he died. Just don't tell the law.

    Band Welder

    The band welder is currently engaged on the construction of the Three Gorges Dam across the Yangtze. Previous welding projects have included the London Millennium wheel and Mr Wombats containment cage for his burial. He has only just become a welder and has so far skived off all his metalwork home-work. If you are relying on this man to construct anything which for example may need to contain a large volume of water, transport a lot of people safely in a circle, or cage the undead on their journey across the river styx, then please make sure you have a comprehensive insurance policy. The band accept no liability for crap welding.

    the Ant (band ant)

    The band ant was recruited from the KGB Moscow branch in 1985. His ability to literally be "an ant on the wall" inside sensitive military establishments made him invaluable to the East. The band became interested when they realised he could infiltrate Bruno Brookes' studio at radio one to find out in advance what the singles charts were. They could therefore bet on the charts and make money. Sadly the scam went tragically wrong, because the band ant is short sighted. He misread the chart position of Joe Dolce's 'Shaddap a ya face', and told the band it would plummet out of the top forty. Mr Wombat, being the vampire that he is put all the band's money on this, the song went to number one, they lost the lot, and the band ant was punished by being stamped on repeatedly. That's life. He was later re-inflated by Mr Mongoose, who used a drinking straw to blow into the ant's body, not pervy like, just inflating. He was quite literally "pumping up the ant". An action which inspired Technotronic to 'Pump Up the Jam'.

    • Band Ant's favourite single by the Sex Pistols: 'Never mind the ants'
    • Band Ant's favourite James Brown saying: "I've got ants in my pants, and I need to dance/pass water (delete as applicable)"

    Hank

    Hank, or as he is known affectionately be his friends, "that dooirty baastttarrrdddd", has been the compere at Huddersfields legendary "Beach Cafe and Herpes Clinic" for the last sixty years. Sometime agent to the stars he presided over the rise to fame of 'Wee Jimmy McHitler and his polish invasion routine', 'Stan, Stan, the trotsky man' and Mr Comedy moustache himself "Saddam the bad man". When the band hit hard times in the Toyko Olympics of 1964, he offered them a road to salvation. A regular musical cabaret at the club, every third wednesday, providing the moon was full. The band have never looked back. That's because they're not owls, and their heads only point forwards.

    Hank accepts all major forms of payment in return for the offer of a gig. Cash, cheque, credit card, and private tete a tete in his dressing room after the show. With Mr Satsuma not having the requisite sockets for the latter, the band opted to send their mixing engineer Richard Chapman to pay. He emerged three days later, minus a leg.

    • Hank's Catchphrase: "The night is not over, till you've got your leg over"

    Eric

    Eric is only known as "resident organist" at the Huddersfield Beach Cafe and Herpes Clinic. He is a grown man of fifty, who was hand reared by chimps after being orphaned in a plane crash in the Congo. Eric is mute, physically disfigured and knows not the power of love having been shunned by all except Hank. Hank's care for Eric could never be termed love, but as Hank says "He has a roof over his head, three meals a day, and all the abuse he needs."

    The only way Eric can communicate with society is through the gift of song. One day, when Eric was four, the chimps exploring the deeper parts of the jungle, came across a discarded score for the musical "Gigi". Using this they taught Eric to play the entire show using only tree trunks cut to different lengths, which would play a tune when kicked in the right order. Sadly the chimps forced young Eric to play Gigi over and over again. His left foot became withered before falling off all together. He continued to play with his right foot in constant pain, day and night. It moved a christian missionary to tears, he rescued Eric before selling him on the white slave market to Hank. Years later Hank saw an oppourtunity to make money from the story. He wrote a script and sent it to the major Hollywood studios. It was just too late. "My Left Foot" had already started filming. "My Right Foot" never stood a chance.

    Today Eric labours away at the Beach Cafe, dreaming of happier days.

    • Eric's Favourite Song On the Organ In The Pit: "No no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, there's no Limits"
    • Eric's least favorite Christmas Present: A pair of Socks

    Go Back to the Home Page

    Copyright © Chunky Nimfot 2000-2006. All Rights Reserved.

    		Go Back to the Home Page